the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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