if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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