i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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