All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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