just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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