The maid of honor just puked.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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