walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
