good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
