i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
