I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
