i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
