I think i peed on brittanys purse
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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