Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
