someone threw a dead crab at me
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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