I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I will pee on everything he values.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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