I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
