'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
