I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Randomize
