Who did Billy Mays play for?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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