I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
