You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
