he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
