After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
