FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
