She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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