Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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