I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
