Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
