dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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