got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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