I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
