Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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