Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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