great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
