my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
