He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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