I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
