my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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