mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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