So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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