Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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