Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
