I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize