Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
