Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
