My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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