I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
