I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
