i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you would pick up someone in the library
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
