So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
