Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
