i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
