I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
